Subject: Any Snow Shovelers out There?
If there are, you will probably relate to this diary. It pretty much expresses my feelings about this white Sh.. errrr stuff. Dan The Diary of a Snow Shoveler December 8 – At 6:00 PM it started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. It is such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8 beautiful inches fell last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. December 15 - Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I bought four snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. I also stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's so silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 – We had an ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway while I was putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 – It is still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. The damn electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. There is nothing to do but stare at the wife, and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own Living room. December 20 - Electricity's finally back on, but we had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they all said they were too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. I called the only hardware store for miles around to see about buying a snow blower, but they were sold out. Said they might get another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel our walkway or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying. December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to put up decorations the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 – 6 more damn inches. Because the snow was packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. My chest was hurting so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 - Merry-bleeping-Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. We are completely snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! When the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a frigging idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. The plumber finally came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. I’m still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 - Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver so now he is suing me for a million dollars. Not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches are predicted tonight. December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 – I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me, but why am I tied to this bed? | 
Any Snow Shovelers out There?
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